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Archive for September 7th, 2008

Dog Blog: How to get your own way (part 1 of 1,000,000,000)

Posted by indigodream on 7 September, 2008

Top o’ the mornin’, well, afternoon, to yez all

Blue here again, takin’ back the blog while the aussie bitch (what? she is a female dog!) is fast asleep.

Me life has been good since I last chatted to yeh. Me mam and dad have abandoned the boat, and I haven’t even had to injure meself! I can relax at home, chase the odd squirrel round the garden and sleep. But even oi can ‘ave too much of a good thing so I thought oi’d share me latest wheeze with all you dogs on the web.

Me mam’s always going’ on about somethin’ – “no recall, danger-magnet, nuisance, so naughty, feckless….”. Cor, wouldn’t like to meet that hound……

But back to business, here’s my handy guide on avoiding blame…

Byeeee.....

Byeeee.....

1. Start with a gentle warm-up. Run ahead on walks – don’t forget to hide behind trees and when yer mam’s shouting at maximum voice, step out innocently behind ‘er and give ‘er a ‘look’ – you know the one I mean.

2. If there’s somethin’ really exciting to chase then earn yourself an extended rummage. Run ahead and get yerself out of sight. On no account run back when she calls yer name – she probably doesn’t mean you anyway. It’s like I’m called Blue, could mean anything – her favourite colour, least favourite boy band, how am I to know she means me???

3. Rummage around for at least 25 minutes – don’t forget to stay out of sight so that yer mam panics and starts thinking that you’ve been run over or bin dog-napped. DO NOT go back before then – yeh’ll just get told off!

4. Keep an eye on yer mam’s mental state – this is the cunning bit. The trick is to go back when she’s so pleased to see yer alive she’ll forgive anything, but don’t stay away so long that she decides to give yeh back to Battersea Dog’s Home.

5. Don’t forget the ‘look’. Turn yer big amber brown eyes up to her reproachfully and say “I can’t believe you abandoned me, how could you walk away and leave me, why didn’t you wait for me – I was just there, what if I’d bin hurt”. If yer not too sure on her mental state throw in a pitiful whimper and hold a paw in the air – any paw will do – yeh not really hurt – yeh want sympathy not a trip to the vet.

6. Make the best of your ‘rescue’ status – compensation for yer distress should include hugs, kisses, fuss, sympathy, extra food, better food and leftover chinese takeaway. If you get less than this then whimper some more.

7. The day after these shennanigans make sure that you ‘forgive’ yer mam for being so careless as to lose you. If yeh miss this step you’ll be on the lead for the rest of the week. Give her a big grin and prance around being cute. Give her a cuddle when she wasn’t expectin’ one and follow her EVERYWHERE – yes, I know this means following ‘er into the bathroom but don’t worry, yer in no danger of ‘avin’ a bath when she’s feelin’ guilty.

8. Once you’ve ‘forgiven’ her for losin’ you then make her feel guilty again for not taking you for a walk today – stand by the car, even in the rain, and look at it wistfully.

9. Get to your favourite rummaging place and repeat from step 1………

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Phew, oi’m worn out now – oi’ll be back to me duvet for a bit…….

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