Rewind to Saturday 2nd March
The hexaminers – dat’s me, Eddie, on de left and dat’s Bertie lyin’ down, worryin’ about weder he’s goin’ to get a decent new Auntie…
Well me fine friends, tis Eddie the oirish one here – I’m not de t’ick one any more coz o’im now hexaminer for the “Auntie proficiency test” – dis is a staged test just for Sue, coz me mam has ter be sure, ter be sure, that she can look after us prop’ly wen she’s off on her swanky boat.
Auntie proficiency (applies to day/weekend visits): provoide 24-hour buffit of home-made dog treats, take us out in de middle of de night so mummy can get a good noight’s sleep; clean any mess off de floor; launder our coats if we gets ‘em covered in poo; dry us off if we fall in de pond; give us fusses as required. Tests set by me ma (optional): give us a bath if we’s gets covered in fox poo; clean and dress little cuts; do health inspections; recommend vet visits…
Step-mummi proficiency (applies to long holidays widout me ma): as above plus extra treats an fusses becoz we’s poor abandoned hounds; lettin’ us break all de normal house rules so we feels at home e.g. brekfust ev’ry day, giving up her chair so’s we can be comfy etc. Tests set by me ma (optional): weekly vet visits to make sure we isn’t dying (actually me ma would prefer if we didn’t go to de vet’s quoite so often, but she knows Sue is a vet addict).
Co-mummi proficiency: (applies to long-term hound convalescence): as above plus intensive nersin’; makin’ special food for poorly houndies; extra fusses; doin’ sum worryin’ for me ma; daily vet visits (optional); naggin de vets til they get it roight .
Roight, from from front ter back – Monty (step-mummy); Herbie (Co-mummy); Bertie (new Auntie) an that’s Ollie on the sofa – Sue is his proper mummy!
So, dis weekend, Sue had to pass de “Auntie Proficienty Test” for Bertie, wid me as chief hexaminer. It was good to see her taking it serious now – she’d baked us some liver cake and some sardine parcels and gave Bertie lots a fusses – of course, as chief examiner oi had to make sure that she could keep up her co-mummy; step-mummy and auntie duties for the rest of us so she had to fuss us too an’ change Herbie’s dressings. Oi was tinking dat tings were going well – we made sure that we woke her up in the middle of the noight but den, oh dear, a slip-up, Bertie was dancin’ ’round and asking to go out and Sue just showed him a comfy bed. Well, what’s a dog ter do? He had ter have a little wee on de floor – well, make dat a big one bejesus, because he IS big! I was worried – was Sue actually going to fail her test?
Well, I’m glad ter say that she just scraped through – she apologised to Bertie for not recognisin’ his signals den took de rest of us hounds out at 2.30am, 4am and 6am – well, it would have been cruel to fail her after dat!
So, here’s Auntie Sue’s trainin’ record:
Co-mummi test: passed for Herbie hound, who had a whole 3 munths at her house and his leg didn’t fall off!
Step-mummi test: passed for Henry B Beanz; Archie an’ Monty – who had a munth of de old hols and weren’t spoilt at all…
Auntie test: passed for me, Eddie, Susie, Ranger dawg an’ Miffy….
I’s available, for a small fee ye understand, to hexamine udder potential aunties, because, begorrah, a hound can’t have enuff good aunties….
Bejesus, you humans need watching…
Indigo Dreaming 